Cynically Romantic

I suppose that sums up the way I feel about things right now. I've always been a romantic at heart, though I've tried to hide it. I've honestly never had a boyfriend who "romanced" me in any way. I've never gotten a Valentine's Day or birthday gift from anyone I was seeing. So I've pretended it didn't matter, that those things are silly.

But they do matter. They matter to me. The small, thoughtful gestures, the cute nicknames, the expressions of affection, adoration and lust....I want them. No, more than that. I need them. I hide that part of myself, because I don't believe that it will happen, that I will ever find someone who feels that way about me, who knows that I deserve to be treated that way. And I do deserve it. There have been times when it was so close I could almost touch it, it was just within reach, but it slipped away. And so I continue to pretend I'm not soft and romantic.

But baby....I am.

So I'll keep waiting for it, while keeping a healthy dose of cynicism at hand to keep me from wanting it too much. Maybe real romance and love don't exist. But I'm hopeful.

Ssshhhhh. Don't tell anyone. I do, after all, have my cynical reputation to uphold.