I wonder
if you can hear what’s unsaid whenever we finish talking
just before we hang up
and I want to say those words.
Sometimes I have to press my lips together, or dig my nails into the palm of my hand
to keep them from bursting out.
They hang there between us, those potentially happy, potentially lethal words,
a palpable presence, throbbing in the air.
But I can’t. I won’t say them.
I know you don’t want to hear them.
That you would shy away from them, then from me.
And I wonder if you heard them anyway.
If that’s why you’re gone.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Dreams
A few months ago, I was gushing about how happy and content my dreams were. That there was no anxiety, no secret fears. No dreams of being naked in front of a crowd, of not being able to remember my locker combination. Just happy, smiling manifestations of my subconscious. I knew that no matter what challenges we were about to have to face, I had a strong belief that everything was going to be fine. Good, even. I trusted in what we had, and what we were.
Well. What a difference a month or so can make, right?
Lately, my dreams are unsettled. Vivid. I'm trying to find a place where I'm supposed to be and I can't. I've lost a precious possession and can't find it. Or I'm just lost......not knowing where I am, or where I'm supposed to be. Or I'm unable to see, or hear, or speak, or even move sometimes.
It doesn't take Freud to figure out that I'm dreaming about loss. I feel it nearly every moment of the day lately. I cry every day. Sometimes not all day, if I can keep myself busy, but some days I can't even wear my contacts because my eyes are burning from tears. I feel ridiculous. I'm too old for this. I'm crying for what I believe I've lost, and for what I may have never had in the first place. Probably the latter.
Once again, I've been stupid. I was actually happy, though, even if it didn't last. I can't remember the last time I was that happy, if ever. I know I've never felt so accepted, and enjoyed. Genuinely liked. And by someone I was absolutely wild about, someone with whom I clicked immediately. Just friends in the beginning, which was what made things so great with us, I thought.
So yeah. This sucks. The disappointment is overwhelming. I no longer believe that it will all be OK; I'm fairly certain it won't. And I suppose that if someone has to get hurt in this, it should be me.
Sometimes, though, I hate being me.
Well. What a difference a month or so can make, right?
Lately, my dreams are unsettled. Vivid. I'm trying to find a place where I'm supposed to be and I can't. I've lost a precious possession and can't find it. Or I'm just lost......not knowing where I am, or where I'm supposed to be. Or I'm unable to see, or hear, or speak, or even move sometimes.
It doesn't take Freud to figure out that I'm dreaming about loss. I feel it nearly every moment of the day lately. I cry every day. Sometimes not all day, if I can keep myself busy, but some days I can't even wear my contacts because my eyes are burning from tears. I feel ridiculous. I'm too old for this. I'm crying for what I believe I've lost, and for what I may have never had in the first place. Probably the latter.
Once again, I've been stupid. I was actually happy, though, even if it didn't last. I can't remember the last time I was that happy, if ever. I know I've never felt so accepted, and enjoyed. Genuinely liked. And by someone I was absolutely wild about, someone with whom I clicked immediately. Just friends in the beginning, which was what made things so great with us, I thought.
So yeah. This sucks. The disappointment is overwhelming. I no longer believe that it will all be OK; I'm fairly certain it won't. And I suppose that if someone has to get hurt in this, it should be me.
Sometimes, though, I hate being me.
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